I know that live is a bitch at times, but it also is what you make of it, whether it be with friends, family, coworkers, and even your pets. People see me in the light of a good kid/guy/son, a hard worker, someone they can rely on, someone dependable. I look at myself, and I see the exact opposite, a liar, a cheat, a hack, a slacker, a lackluster, busted cog whom barely works, a... The list goes on. I look at myself in the mirror, and just want to take a small tub of acid and pour it on my face, just to watch the skin dissolve from my face. I look hideous, I am a freak, a shambling nightmare to strike fear into people's hearts.
My head says that I have no looks, nothing going for me, and my heart is that of a fool's. I can't believe myself, but I have, without a doubt, had had the hots for girls who I barely even knew, had seen once, and I have 'a moment' for a moment, and then I shoot myself down, thinking "Okay, they are probably either married, have a lover, or are lesbian." Either that, or they do something that, by all standards, is idiotic, or come over to me, look me in the eyes and say "Why the hell were you looking at me?!" And those terms are somewhat kind.
My father said I should be a teacher. My body type says a football player. My actions make me a Jack of all Trades, Master of none. My mind, however, thinks that I would be good as a card dealer, and not the kind you find at Texas Hold 'Em Tournaments, either. I play Magic: The Gathering card game quite frequently. My mind thinks up insane combos, and all sorts of synergistic moves that lead to downfalls, and yet not many seem to work out as planned. I have had so many ideas about different cards and whatnot that I have come up with cards, time and again, but nothing has come of it. Friend of mine and I have come up with a set that would be quite interesting for seasoned people to try, but it... It won't see the light of day, because of lacking connections to others, to having a possibility to show our concept off.
And, again, my rational side has taken over. It's not wanting anything to do with that, nothing to do with Magic, just saying that I am living in a fevered dream of a madman's, wanting to think that an idea as silly as that would never catch the interest of Wizards of the Coast.
I... I feel like I am alone, like a boat amid the sea, not sure of where I am, where I want to go, who I will see... I want to know, I want to know why, where, and who I will be at and with. I have been wanting to know for ages, and I still haven't an idea. I feel so lost. Sometimes, I just think up a situation where I am a hero among people, and that girls wish to flock to me... Fairly pathetic. Another thing I think up is that I am dying, which we all are, either internally, or externally, and I give my final words to those who matter much to me. Sometimes I dream that I am diving into lava. Sometimes it's that I got shot in the kidney, and am bleeding out. Sometimes, while just traveling down the road, I have the thought that a ninja is going to jump straight up, throw a sword, and the sword will skewer my chest like a tiny plastic sword to an olive in a martini. My dreams don't help, either.
I had a dream not too long ago where there was this troupe of actors were preforming wild west reenactments; panning for gold, mining some for gold, Indians coming to try and scalp them, Conestoga wagons riding about... Turns out they were all part of Jigsaw's twisted plan in one way or another. There were two people in the wagon, one at the front, and one in the covered part. Anyway, there were, in total, about six people who got out. The one in the covered part of the wagon exploded, a spray of black smoke and blood, but the one in front survived, the miner got shot, dead, the panning guy lived, though took a knife through the mouth, via under his jaw, and a few others I can't remember. I zoomed into the FP vision of the guy with the knife through his mouth, and went into the water. His mouth filled with water, exhaled it as he sank, and blood, as well as bubbles, floated to the surface. It turned out to be clear water, but I couldn't tell if it was salt or fresh water. At any rate, I closed my eyes underwater as I sank, and hit, the bottom, and woke up in my bed. I tried to discuss it with someone, but they didn't give two craps... Not surprising.
Life is what you make of it.... Either by choice, or by incident.
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